i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
