He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
