I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Randomize
