Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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