I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
