a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
