I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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