I wish I could teleport
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
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