Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
