She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
