Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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