Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
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All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
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I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize