Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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