If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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