I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Is Oprah even human
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
