I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
