I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
