U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
