i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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