why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I intend to get homeless drunk
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
