okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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