she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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