if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
