Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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