We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
