the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
