he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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