I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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