i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
