his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
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A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
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that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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