about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
