Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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