it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
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At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
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I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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