i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
