Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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