i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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