it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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