I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
