we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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