I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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