You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
