Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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