YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
