I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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