im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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