I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
