living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
