This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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