I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
