so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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