Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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