dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize