four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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