Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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