Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
