I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
