One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
